Rant Warning...(WTF? Friday 7/29/2016)

Morning Joe.

I'm in a fowl mood, and I'm gonna vent. Apologies in advance...

...but if you stick around, I'll owe you a coffee.

Iced. Which is the bulk of my ranting.

I am not a Summer person.

I wasn't always this way. When I was a kid, I looked forward to Summer School Vacation as much as anyone else. Grilled hot dogs...swimming pools...women of the female variety in bathing suits. These things made me happy.

Then I started working for a living.

And ever since I started working in retail, the seasons stopped revolving around the Sun.

They revolved around the dollar.

Valentine's Day started in January. Summer started in March. This past week, I started seeing Halloween and Christmas stuff coming in. As I learned about the Retail Calendar, I rolled with it. I didn't have a particular stake in any specific time of year, so what did I care?

But lately, it's been getting to me.

 This is the general vision of Summer. Sunny days. Warm ocean breezes. Relaxation. 

This is the harsh reality.

Everyone is looking for their beach. I know, because I see it every time I open Facebook. Pictures and comments about how wonderful their vacations are at some beach somewhere with fabulous food and no worries...

...and I'm stuck working for a living.

Then there are the customers I'm forced to listen to at work. Since my store is about 10 miles from a rather large lake, we get a lot of Summer tourists. And they're all complaining about how they have to get new sheets and chairs and s#!t for their Summer home.

You heard me. Their Summer Home. Or Camp. Or Beach House.

Boo. F**kin'. Hoo.

Don't get me wrong now. I get four vacation weeks a year, and yeah - one of them was earlier this month. Know how I spent that time?

 Getting the cars looked at...

 ...mowing the lawn...

...and driving family members around.

All in the damn heat.

Wanna know my vision of Summer?

Right!

DAMN right!

GODDAMN MOTHA F**KIN' RIGHT!

Thanks Joe, I needed that.

I'm okay now...really...

...effin' Summer...

The FINAL Suicide Squad trailer...with extras

Please note: both Adorkette and Mrs. Adorkification are itchin' to see this one.

You know what's comin'...

• I'm betting at least half of the Joker stuff is flashback as part of Harley's character development.
• The entire third act will be the Squad taking down whatever it is they were set up for...with Batman and Joker along for the ride.
• Every single one of those character bits following the trailer were genius. Every. One. Harley likes Puddin? Joker's favorite joke is Batman? Enchantress (making it Amora in Thor: Ragnarok I'm guessing?) is 6313 years young? F**king brilliant. And you can't keep me from buying "The Balloom Blitz" by Sweet (The Sweet?). No f**king way.

However...having said that...

Every single one of those bits can be explained it two words: 

DEAD. 

POOL. 

There's no f**king way these things weren't influenced by the success of that movie. You wanted to know what those post-production re-shoots were about? You're looking at them. Well, at least some of them...

The Doctor Strange trailer...

DAMN!

I'm pissed about the accent though. With all the changes they're making for this film, why Strange couldn't be British and just working in America I have no idea.

Thoughts:

• Having Baron Mordo a good guy? Okay, but I beg you Marvel Studios, let him say "burgundy..." just once. Okay, twice.
• Having Wi-Fi in Tibet or wherever makes my eye twitch.
• I have no problem with The Ancient One being played by Tilda Swinton.
• The Eye of Agamotto is f**king beautiful. 
• The Cloak of Levitation is f**king gorgeous.
• The music is f**king sick!
• I get the feeling Rachel McAdams' character will return as Clea, and Mads Mikkelsen's character will become the corporeal host of Dormammu. 
• My one problem is that the "alternate reality" visuals look too much like Inception for me.

The Wonder Woman Trailer...

THAT WAS SICK!

Holy f**king crap. Summer 2017. DAMN!

Okay...okay. Whew. My thoughts:

• LOVED the look of the lasso. Seems to act more like a whip than a lasso, but the glowing? F**KING BRILLIANT!
• I've mentioned before that I understand why they went with WWI instead of WWII. It totally works to separate it from Captain America. Especially since she's also using a shield.
• Her using a shield. It may be shaped like Captain America's, but that's it. She uses hers in a totally different way. Like a sled...A F**KING SLED!
• And how about those fight scenes. It feels like Captain America meets 300, but I'm not complaining. At all. 
• Two words: Etta. Candy. They had Diana. They had Steve. They didn't have to have Etta. They did anyway. Awesome.
• I didn't see an invisible plane...but that doesn't mean there isn't an invisible plane. Get me?
• Where is Lynda Carter? (*ahem*) I said...WHERE? IS? LYNDA? CARTER?

The Defenders Trailer...if you can call it that...

2017 can't come soon enough.

But seriously, they couldn't give us 1:27 worth of trailer? Really? I'd take just watching Stick stand there while saying his lines. 

'Cause Stick is awesome. He just is.

Other thoughts...

• Madame Gao's forces will team up with Luke's gang of thugs. Why? I'm not sure, but maybe it will have something to do with the new distribution of the heroin?
• Wilson will still be behind bars, but we're gonna meet Bullseye. Just wait.
• What could possibly bring Jessica into all this? One of Killgrave's offspring perhaps? Maybe even a female purple-skinned teenager from Canada? Who'll wind up on the side of the angels and head back north?
• The Hand will return. This is what brings Stick back to New York. Oh, and we'll meet Stone.
• Speaking of Stick, that speech we hear him say? That's while he's standing over all of them. At Metro-General. Where Claire will show up. She just will. 
• In the final scene of the last episode, Elektra returns to the living. Very. Last. Scene.

The Iron Fist trailer...

Coming Soon can't come soon enough.

So. It's a plane crash and not an avalanche. I'm okay with that. 

Other thoughts...

• How will Danny interact with Madame Gao? I know nothing about her beyond the Daredevil series, so maybe they're connected in the books? Either way, she's bad. My guess is the guys who find Young Danny are on the opposing side.
• The scene where he's strapped to a hospital bed. Very reminiscent of Thor, but that's where we'll see Rosario Dawson again. We just will. Explanation? He's coming down from a forced heroin overdose/murder attempt, which also explains how he gets to New York. Gao's baddies capture him, give him the overdose and dump him in a Hell's Kitchen alley to die. Claire finds him and brings him to Metro-General to detox.
• The final scene where he punches a hole out of a wall? That's him breaking out of the hospital...in the final episode. He'll wander around New York, with his iPod no less, and the final scene will be his walking into Luke's new bar. Very. Final. Scene.

The Luke Cage trailer...

September 30th can't come soon enough.

It looks like this takes place after he woke up in Jessica's apartment. I'm okay with that. 

Other thoughts...

• We'll see Rosario Dawson again. We just will.
• We'll learn about his time in Seagate, and eventual escape release.
• Even if Jessica doesn't show up here, she'll be mentioned and/or seen in flashbacks.
• The last scene of the final episode will feature Danny. Either Luke will wander into his space, or Danny will walk into Luke's new bar. Either way, they'll meet in the final scene. Very. Final. Scene. 

So. The Justice League trailer...

HOLY. F**KING. S#!T

First of all, I have yet to see Batman v Superman: The Director's Cut (or whatever it's called). Second, Ben's Batman was awesome. Even in the theatrical release. Third, this trailer alone has more humor in it than the entirety of the theatrical release. I'll even say that if this teaser was released in theaters...and people had to buy a ticket to see it...it would make more coin worldwide than BvS did. This is the s#!t. This is what I've always wanted the DCEU to be.

However...

...I just wish the DC/WB/DCEU would commit.

Just commit.

COMMIT DAMMIT!

If they just explained on Grant Gustin's Flash that his actions opened the portals to 51 other universes, and the DCEU was in fact one of them, that would be FINE! 

Until then, we're gonna have fans argue and debate over which Flash is the true Flash...or the real one...or whatever. And while healthy debate among fans is great advertising,

do they really wanna risk a rift in their fan base?

'Cause we all know what could happen when dealing with divided supporters.

Just sayin'...

DC Character Review: Abel

If I'm gonna do this, I may as well begin at the beginning. And no, I'm not planning on going alphabetically. That's just ridiculous. But I'll have to come up with some way to keep track so I don't do the same character twice...at least before they make it to live-action.

Abel

(Created by Mark Hanerfield, Bill Draut and Joe Orlando)

I've always liked this guy, despite my having never been a fan of horror comics. Tales From the Crypt, Creeper, House of Mystery and House of Secrets never made it to my longboxes. In fact, I hadn't even heard of him until I read 

the Sandman: The Doll's House trade. 

Hell of a story, but Abel only appeared in a handful of pages. A background character within the grand scope. As a result, I paid him no mind. Then came my big purchase:

Who's Who in the DC Universe (1990) #1. Because, hey. Superman.

But it also brought Abel

(and Cain, who I'll talk about at some point despite being constantly grouped together) 

to the forefront of my comic awareness. According to Abel's entry, he...

• may or may not be the biblical Abel - as in the first murder victim.
• is killed by his brother. Repeatedly. For fun. Then simply returns to life without any explanation as to why or how.
• is a compassionate coward who loves to tell horror stories to pass the time.
• has a pet gargoyle.

It made me want to learn more. So naturally, I got my hands on the next logical item:

Who's Who in the DC Universe #1. The 1985 version.

And while this older issue does mention Abel's extreme cowardice and extraordinary storytelling skills, four of the five paragraphs are about the House of Secrets...which should have had its own entry. There's nothing on Abel's ability to resurrect, and he doesn't have a pet at this point. Instead, he has "an invisible, imaginary companion called Goldie."

What can I say? It was the late sixties.

But both versions have Abel's physical attributes the same: blue eyes, black hair, 5' 7 " tall, 396 and-a-quarter pounds.

No. I can't explain the "quarter pound". Just roll with it.

Being the kind of guy I am, I sought out his first appearance:

which (I'm guessing) features Abel already in the House of Secrets. I have no idea, because DC Special #4 is not only difficult to find, but wicked expensive...and not reprinted anywhere.

So instead, I shopped his first chronological appearance - 

which, once again, is rare and not cheap.

Interesting side note: both Who's Who (Who's Whos?) list House of Secrets #81 as Abel's first appearance. But ComicVine and ComicBookdb (great websites by the way) say it's DC Special #4. Based on the calendar, the sites have it right. DC Special #4 is cover dated July/September 1969 whereas HoS #81 is cover dated August/September 1969. Weird.

Anyhoo,

this series has been reprinted. Relatively recently too.

At this point, I have to confess that I like black and white reprints like Showcase and Marvel's Essentials about as much as I like horror comics. Coloring a comic is highly underrated art form. Andy Yanchus set the standard for me, and seeing all that hard work basically erased in order to make these collections "more affordable" makes me mad. Having said that, I have to swallow my newly created pill of bitterness...because I purchased Showcase: House of Secrets Vol.1.

Before anyone calls me a hypocrite (which I totally understand), let me say that reading a horror anthology series in black and white works for me. It reminds me of reruns from The Addams Family and The Munsters that I watched as a kid. To me, Black and White + Horror = Fun. 

Which this is.

Over the series, the creators had Abel interact with the House as much as the reader. I like that. It gave the House its own character (another reason why it should have had its own Who entry) while showing Abel's almost innocent behavior. He fell for pranks and was subjected to teasing (like being locked out...by the House) all while sharing stories about death, crime and revenge. 

Another thing I like about him is that he was always portrayed as a perfect gentleman and a gracious host. He'll invite you in, offer you a hot beverage and/or snack and sit you by the fireplace. Then he'll scare the crap out of you, passing the time with his stories. 

Then that happened.

 Well, yeah...

...okay, okay. 

Abel appeared in Alan Moore's (Saga of the) Swamp Thing, released around the same time as Crisis.

Yeah, there too, but I don't have that issue and I've never read it.

Oh, right. Like you've got all the money and time in the world.

I've got Swamp Thing #'s 49 and 50 in the Saga of the Swamp Thing Book Four trade. But again he (and Cain, Christ doesn't that guy ever leave him alone?) was a secondary character, simply there to witness what I can only describe as "the supernatural/biblical battle of good-versus-evil over dominance of the Post-Crisis Earth and its single universe".

Meanwhile, Crisis on Infinite Earths itself didn't mention him at all. 

I guess the argument could be made that Moore brought Abel (et al.) from the backwoods of Kentucky to a more supernatural location...

...but it was Neil Gaiman who brought Abel (et al.) to The Dreaming.

This fit together so well it's ridiculous. Gaiman made it seem like Abel always resided in Morpheus' realm - going all the way back to House of Secrets #81/DC Special #4. And when I read those older stories now, it still works.

For someone who never read horror comics until his early forties (and has developed at least an appreciation for them since), I'm grateful that it was Abel who introduced me to the genre. He invited me in, offered me a warm beverage and a snack...and then scared the crap out of me with his stories.